Humor

"If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!"

"Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams's Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson's Nostrils likewise began to look a little redder than usual."

"The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club."

"There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard."

"Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, "Quit eating us," and sharks are like, "Stop smiling all the time, you morons."

"Nobody touches my ding dongs!"

"I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap."

"The truth is what we say it is...prove to me this desk is not a cow!"

"I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!"

"The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death. However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive."

"I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom."

"Percy, you are dismissed from my service."Me? Why, my lord"Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed." "Oh, I see." "And as for you, Baldrick..." "Yes." "You're out, too."

"I like gross generalizations... I also like disgusting specifics!"

"There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident"

"Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader."

"Mike’s brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men."

"If I had been born in the 1700′s, presumably children had a bigger vocabulary than I had which means I wouldn’t have been able to recite fairy tales to kids because I’m not smart enough. You know…?I’d have to be like…..uh:In time passed, though not long ago, there lived three pigs in stature, little in number, three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly. When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to erect himself an abode..."

"Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded."

"He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth."

"I loved Monty Python for the wordplay--this sense that you didn’t have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could be funny."