Art Buchwald

"You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it."

"This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security."

"Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got."

"Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times it's the only time we've got."

"I explained to him I had simple tastes and didn't want anything ostentatious no matter what it costs."

"Television has a real problem. They have no page two."

"Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we've got."

"And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then take his automobile and buy all his food in one place and He could save that which was good to eat in the refrigerator and throw away that which had no further use. And soon the earth was covered with plastic bags and aluminum cans and paper plates and disposable bottles and there was nowhere to sit down or walk, and Man shook his head and cried: "Look at this Godawful mess."

"We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time."

"Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we have."

"The best things in life aren't things."

"Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening."