George Carlin

George Carlin

"“I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.”"
127 Quotes
"“I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.”"
George Carlin
"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."
George Carlin
"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
George Carlin Napalm & Silly Putty
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."
George Carlin
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
George Carlin
"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."
George Carlin
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
George Carlin
"Electricity is really just organized lightning."
George Carlin
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
George Carlin
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
George Carlin
"Religion is just mind control."
George Carlin
"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
George Carlin
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
George Carlin
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
George Carlin
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
George Carlin
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
George Carlin
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
George Carlin
"Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large."
George Carlin
"I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate."
George Carlin
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
George Carlin
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