Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert

"Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories."
55 Quotes
"Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories."
Stephen Colbert
"They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am."
Stephen Colbert
"Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping."
Stephen Colbert
"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it."
Stephen Colbert
"In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way."
Stephen Colbert
"Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. Yes is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes'."
Stephen Colbert
"Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding."
Stephen Colbert
"If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!"
Stephen Colbert
"There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C. I. A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED)."
Stephen Colbert
"it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time."
Stephen Colbert
"So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything."
Stephen Colbert
"NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ"
Stephen Colbert
"As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read."
Stephen Colbert
"Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us."
Stephen Colbert
"Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is."
Stephen Colbert
"I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations."
Stephen Colbert
"If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry."
Stephen Colbert
"The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door."
Stephen Colbert
"In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards."
Stephen Colbert
"I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work."
Stephen Colbert
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