Andy Rooney

"It’s just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there."

"If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it."

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

"Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!"

"Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

"I've learned ... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere."

"Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it."

"the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person."

"It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone."