Joan Bauer

"My grandma always said that God made libraries so that people didn't have any excuse to be stupid."

"Mom has the Touch. She knows what flowers go with what occasions, what hors d'oeuvres work with what people. She believes passionately in the power of food to heal, restore, and stimulate relationships, and she has built a following of loyal customers who really hope she's right. If she's wrong, says Sonia, no one wants to know."

"You got to laugh Tree, if you don't you'll cry."

"When the going gets tough, the tough get a librarian."

"Life and death played out before my very eyes. You don't see these things if you clean your room regularly."

"I nearly tripped over Stieglitz, my dog, a forty-pound black-and-white keeshond (pronounced caze-hawnd) furball. He lunged at me with unbridled glee because the mere sight of my presence always made his day. It's important to have a dog. Dogs love unconditionally. (Thwonk)"

"Why do you think, A. J.," they say in unison, "that you find these boys so attractive" I didn't say that this fiery chemical explosion leaps from somewhere inside me. Parents don't want to hear these things. I shrugged and said nothing. "Maybe you should try sitting on the intensity," Mom suggests, "just until your feelings catch up with reality."We could chain you to the water heater," Dad offers, "until these little moments pass."You see what I'm up against."

"On cheap tippers:"Don't take it personally; they were deprived somehow as children. On low-fat entrees: "They sell well enough, but nobody's too happy after the meal."

"You don't mince words."Just garlic."

"How are things with you, sir"Fine." He says it flat."Coffee black. BLT."Now my heart tells me this guy needs more in life, so I take a short. "You ever had a cheese burger with grilled onions and mushrooms on pumpernickel, sir"That takes a minute to sink in. Then he slaps the counter, grinning. "Bring it on."I sense he needs more."You want a malt with that, by any chance"He did, of course. "Chocolate," he says, beaming like a kid. Now he's loosening up. It's a privilege to touch humanity in such a fashion."

"It was bad enough not having a boyfriend for New Year's Eve. Now I had to cope with Valentine datelessness, feeling consummate social pressure from every retailer in America who stuck hearts and cupids on their windows by January second to rub it in. (Thwonk)"

"What kind of kids live in Mulhoney, Wisconsin? Would they like me? Would I like them? Have they ever eaten sushi? That's usually how I determine food sophistication. Maybe a personal ad would get the ball rolling:Insightful, hardworking, 16-year-old girl, emotionally generous and witty, seeks friend/pal/chum to while away meaningful hours. Picky eaters need not reply."

"I flopped on the overstuffed kitchen couch and watched him go. I wondered what would happen to all his films and photographs in the upstairs closet - the documentaries on homelessness and drug addiction, the funny short subjects, the half-finished romantic comedy, the boxes of slice-of-life photographs that spoke volumes about the human condition. I wondered how you stop caring about what you've ached over, sweated over. (Thwonk)"

"People are so cheap. Everyone wants quality, no one wants to pay for it. Here's the suburban dream-- to hire great workers who are such meek morons that they don't have the guts to ask for a living wage."