Sloane Crosley, I Was Told There'd Be Cake

"The real proof that I have tried to love and that people have tried to love me back was never going to fit in a kitchen drawer."

"Francine looked up and mouthed, "Thank you." "any titme," I lied."

"People are less quick to applaud you as you grow older. Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there."

"The children were overwhelmingly morbid. Not a single adult asked me where butterflies go when they die, but this question was more popular than pixie sticks with the under-four-foot set. I cursed parents for not preparing their children. When I was five, my mother and sister sat me up on the kitchen counter and explained the facts of life: the Easter Bunny didn't exist, Elijah was God's invisible friend, with any luck Nana would die soon, and if I ever saw a unicorn, I should kill it or catch it for cash. I turned out okay."

"Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there."